[Nicolai P. Zwar]

Van Wilder (Walt Becker, 2002) 1/10

You know how there are some movies that may have been funny at one time long ago but are not really funny anymore? Perhaps they were funny once because we were younger, less experienced, less mature, or perhaps because the humor of the movie feels now, years or decades later, hard to relate to, or maybe no longer topical, no longer up to date. You know these types of movies? Well, this is not one of those movies. We don’t know how many parallel Universes may exist, but I assure you, there is no Universe in which this film was ever funny. It is a grating, tasteless, boring, totally unfunny piece of… well, you know.

What VAN WILDER achieves, though I don’t really like to have the word “achievement” anywhere near this movie, is the cinematic equivalent of being trapped at a frat party hosted by people who think being loud and obnoxious is the same as being witty. I’ve seen car crashes I found more entertaining. And I’m not at all the kind of person who finds car crashes entertaining.

Ryan Reynolds can be happy hardly anyone seems to remember this movie, he still became a big star. Heck, there are several people in this movie who managed to survive it (Aaron Paul for example has a small role as a wasted party goer, who is credited as “wasted guy” in the end credits.

The script (though it may be presumptuous to say the word “script”… it may just have been smeared words on a beer-wet paper napkin jotted down at a party while stoned and drunk) is… well, the best thing you can say about the script is that it’s full of clichés (all of which have been done better). The gags in this movie are not just juvenile; they are the kind of jokes that make juveniles say “grow up”. Old dad-jokes are fresh and hip compared to even the best gags in this movie.

Roger Ebert once said that no good movie is too long and no bad movie is short enough. Van Wilder feels like it violates the Geneva Convention by existing for more than five minutes. I watched the whole thing though yesterday and held through to the end… because while watching it, it became quickly evident to me that I had no choice but to make it a life mission to warn people about it.